Category Archives: Marriage

5 Reasons You Need Premarital Counseling

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One of the most common myths I see in couples planning for marriage is the assumption that they possess an innate knowledge of how to be married.  Unfortunately, many of these couples soon learn that joining two individuals into “one flesh” is not as easy as it seems.  Premarital counseling has gained in popularity in recent years.  Many researchers have attributed this trend to couples marrying at an older age and also an increase in education.  Whatever the reason, premarital counseling just makes sense and can greatly help to get your marriage off to a wonderful start and help to prevent later problems.  Below are five areas that I think are critical to address before getting married.

 

1.  Communication and Conflict Resolution

It is commonly stated that 80% of marital problems relate to communication.  With that said, it makes sense that this topic gets considerable attention in premarital counseling.  How do you resolve conflict?  What do you do when you can’t seem to compromise?  How do you prevent defensiveness?  What do you do once someone gets defensive?  How do you speak your spouse’s love language?  How does your nonverbal communication influence your verbal communication?  All of these issues (and many more) need to be addressed as you seek to build a solid foundation for marriage.

2.  Sexuality

While couples are always eager to enjoy God’s gift of sexuality together, there are many issues that can make things fizzle instead of sizzle.  Expectations are always high on the honeymoon and if those expectations are not grounded in reality, frustration will ensue.  In particular, past sexual experiences by either partner can lead to a crowded bed.  Past sexual abuse or other trauma can often lead to problems down the road.  Another major issue today is the reality of the pornography problem.  I have addressed this at length in other posts, but pornography leads to unrealistic expectations.  In addition to preventing problems, I also think it is critical for the couple to come to a Biblical understanding of true sexuality.  To this end I strongly recommend Kevin Leman’s book “Sheet Music.”

3.  Finances

A disturbing trend that I find in marriage today is the tendency to keep finances separate rather than combined.  This leads to a “yours” and “mine” economy rather than “ours.”  I find this tendency to be deeply rooted in communication problems and a lack of trust.  If you feel this is necessary you need to seek counseling or read a good book on the subject such as Dave Ramsey’s “Total Money Makeover.”  Other issues include setting a family budget, learning to account for that budget, setting spending priorities, real estate decisions, and future expectations about who will work when kids enter the picture.

4.  Roles and Responsibilities

Everyone has expectations about roles and responsibilities that are often deeply rooted in their family of origin.  Who works outside of the home?  How do you divide household chores?  Who takes care of the lawn?  What were the roles of each person in their respective families of origin? You may think all of these details will just work themselves out in time, but starting the conversation before your wedding can prevent these areas from becoming sources of conflict.  Chances are good that you and your fiance have different expectations.

5.  Expectations

I hope by now you have seen the word “expectations” a few times in this article.  It’s important to remember that the distance between reality and expectation is disappointment.  Will you seek to have children?  How many? Where will you live? How much time will you spend with your families? While it is impossible to prevent all disappointment, the more realistic your expectations are then the less frustrated and disappointed you will be in your marriage.

There you have it, five reasons you need to seek premarital counseling.  Many states have even begun to see its importance.  In fact, where I live in Fort Myers, Florida, the county clerk of court will issue a discounted marriage license if you complete at least 4 hours of counseling with an approved professional.  While 4 is good, I suggest 6-8 sessions–your marriage is worth it!

Accepting Responsibility

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Post written by Ron Cook.

“It’s not my fault!”  How many times have you uttered those words today?  This week?  This month?  This year?  A few years ago I was reading a book and ran across the idea of “blame-shifting.”  Blame shifting is nothing more than seeking to blame someone else for our problems rather than accepting responsibility ourselves.  Blame shifting is a problem, a character problem and it’s been around a long, long time.  How long?  Think Adam and Eve.

“The man said, ‘The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.’   Then the Lord God said to the woman, ‘What is this that you have done?’ The woman said, ‘The serpent deceived me, and I ate.'” (Genesis 3:12-13 ESV).

You see, starting with the very first human being, Adam, people have attempted to shift blame.

Is blame shifting a problem today?  Have you watched the news lately?  I am constantly amazed at the inability of individuals and groups to take responsibility for their actions.  But I want to bring this issue closer to home.  I want to bring it into your personal life and into your marriage.  Why do you and I attempt to blame our spouses and others for our problems?  I think it goes back to an ancient system of belief that was dominant in the first century.  In the first century world (the world in which the New Testament was written) there was a commonly held belief that there was a limited amount of honor available in the world.  Therefore if I wanted to increase my honor, the only way I could do that would be to shame you and therefore “steal” your honor for myself.  This is commonly referred to today as “honor vs. shame.”  While the concept sounds ancient, think about your own life: do you ever tear someone else down so that you look better?  If you answer that question in the affirmative (and I believe most of us will if we are being honest) let me challenge you to get off the blame train and start looking for ways to accept responsibility.  While you might not have been the only contributor to the problems, take responsibility for what you did contribute.  Is the garbage overflowing because your spouse didn’t take it out?  Accept responsibility that you didn’t take it out either.  Are you late to work because of traffic?  Accept responsibility that you could have left earlier.  I find it to be a very rare occasion that one person in responsible for one hundred percent of a problem so stop focusing on what others have done and instead focus on what YOU have done and what YOU can change!

Honey… we need to talk!

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Honey, we need to talk.  Those may be the most dreadful words a man ever hears from his wife.  When couples seek counseling they usually have plenty to talk about.  However, counselors are trained to look beyond those things that people complain about to try and identify the underlying problem.  There is good reason to assume that no matter what the presenting problem may be, communication is at the root.  Couples who learn to communicate well will have an easier time handling complicated issues, less frequent “explosions,” and a more satisfying relationship.

Below is a list of “ground rules” for marital communication.  Following these simple guidelines will give you an immediate boost in the effectiveness of your marital communication.  I invite you to look through the list and think honestly about which ones you may need to address.  If something doesn’t make sense feel free to post a question in the comments.

  1. Eliminate the use of the words never and always.   This leads to black and white thinking, defensiveness, and your spouse will usually be able to find an exception.  
  2. Stop blaming and shaming.  When did blame shifting begin?  It really began in the Garden of Eden with Adam when he said, “that woman made me do it.”  Sound familiar?  Often we pour our energy into finding ways to blame our spouse rather than simply taking responsibility for our own actions.  
  3. Don’t name call or label.  Name calling is demeaning and in no way adds value to your spouse; therefore it is to be avoided.  Labeling is equally as dangerous but less obvious.  Have you ever referred to your spouse as lazy?  Dull?  Moody?  If you have then you labeled them.  This label can act as a filter through which you interpret all of your spouse’s words and actions.  Eliminate the labels.  
  4. Learn to use “I feel” statements rather than “you” statements.  This certainly deserves a separate post.  When you speak to your spouse and the first word out of your mouth is “you” then you have already activated your spouse’s defenses.  They will not receive what you are going to say because they are preparing to defend themselves.  However, if you begin your conversation with the words, “I feel ____” then you let them know you are communicating rather than attacking.  
  5. Learn the difference between being hurt, frustrated, or annoyed rather than angry.  Has anything good ever happened to you because you were angry?  For most people the answer is “no.”  Again, this has to do with defensiveness.  If you approach your spouse angrily then their defenses immediately go up.  However, if you can let them know that you feel hurt, irritated, or rejected then you leave the door open for further communication.  
  6. Don’t withdraw or isolate but do take a time out if you become so angry that you lose control.  This sounds like a contradiction.  It’s not.  John Gottman identified stonewalling (withdrawing) as one of the “four horsemen” of marital communication.  Sometimes we withdraw physically by leaving the room.  Other times we withdraw mentally and our spouse will watch as our eyes glaze over and we mentally transport ourselves to another place.  Both are equally destructive.  However, a time-out is different than withdrawing or stonewalling in at least three ways.  First, it is time limited.  You say to your spouse, “I’m losing control of my emotions so I’m going outside for 10 minutes and then I will come back and we will finish this conversation.  Second, your spouse knows that you are coming back.  Third, they will understand that you desire to finish the conversation once you are in a better frame of mind.  
  7. Learn to listen.  In order to listen effectively you must first clear your mind of all other distractions including what you intend to say in response to the other person. 
  8. Don’t demand things from your spouse; rather ask them.  Demands activate defensiveness (are you noticing a trend here) whereas requests do not.  Say, “would you mind taking out the garbage?” instead of “take out the garbage.”  Simple, but effective.  
  9. Learn to be affirming.  This too is worthy of a separate post.  Affirmation is hard.  We tend to focus on the things that bother us and therefore those things become the subject of our conversation.  Ideally you should offer eight affirmations to your spouse for every one criticism or complaint.  Want to do something that can immediately transform your marriage?  Starting today, make it your personal goal to say at least five affirming things to your spouse every day.  Try it, you’ll be amazed. 
  10. Don’t ever use the “D” word.  Don’t do it!  Don’t even think it!  Then it won’t be an option.  
  11. Don’t ever tell your spouse, “you broke a rule!”  Please don’t use this list or any other marital advice as a weapon against your spouse.  If you can’t follow this rule I have openings on Tuesday!

There you have it; Eleven ways that you can begin to transform your marital communication.  How about you?  What ideas have you found to be helpful in your own marriage?