A Biblical Perspective on Anger Management

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I routinely field phone calls from individuals looking for court mandated anger management programs and my answer is always the same–I don’t do them.  Why?  Because they don’t work!  Managing anger is not a Biblical approach.  The Bible calls anger sin.  Therefore reducing the frequency and/or intensity is not enough, instead I encourage people to eradicate their anger.  Please hear me clearly, if you are under a court order to seek anger management, my approach will not fulfill that requirement.  There are multiple options in Fort Myers and Lee county for meeting this requirement and the court should provide you with a list.  However, if you find yourself struggling with anger, I would encourage you to consider the following passages from the Bible.

“A fool gives full vent to his spirit,but a wise man quietly holds it back.”  Proverbs 29:11

One of the perils of our culture today is the belief that we should be able to say whatever we want, whenever we want, however we want, and to whomever we want.  This is man’s word, that we should give full vent to our spirit.  However, God’s Word offers a glaring alternative–that if we are wise, we will be quiet and restrain our spirits.

“A man of quick temper acts foolishly, and a man of evil devices is hated.”  Proverbs 14:17

It has been said, “speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”  Whether it be speaking harsh words, making poor decisions, or even acting out violently, the actions of anger are foolish and will soon be regretted.  When the feelings of anger arise it would be much more beneficial to quietly excuse oneself from the situation until cooler heads prevail.

“A man of wrath stirs up strife, and one given to anger causes much transgression.”  Proverbs 29:22  

Will Rogers was quoted as saying, “people who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.”  Many otherwise sane individuals have committed grievous sins because they were angry.  Be it the man who violently strikes another individual, the parent who handles their children roughly, the spouse who launches verbal assaults on their mate, or the employee who blasts their boss, many problems are stirred up because of anger.  I often ask my clients, “do people actually listen to you when you’re angry with them?”  The honest answer is “no.”  When you are angry and approach another individual, their reaction is going to be defensive.  When we consider the consequences of anger we realize that Einstein was right when he said, “Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools.”

“Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.”  Ephesians 4:26

How can we be angry and yet avoid sin?  In order to answer this question, we must distinguish between the feeling of anger and the action of anger.  The feeling of anger is often unavoidable.  Events of life are going to produce many different emotions, one of which is anger.  However, we must recognize that anger is a secondary emotion and is ALWAYS blocking other emotions.  We must learn to take captive the feeling of anger and identify other emotions so that we can avoid the action of anger.

 

Consider these passages:

‎”When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, ‎‎ idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, ‎‎ envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.”  Galatians 5:19-21

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. ‎‎ Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”  Ephesians 4:31-32

‎”But now you must also put away all the following: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and filthy language from your mouth. ‎‎Do not lie to one another, since you have put off the old self with its practices.”  Colossians 3:8-9

The Bible is clear, anger is SIN!  We must stop excusing sin as something that we must simply learn to manage.  At Abundant Life Christian Counseling we teach our clients the truth of the Bible and how to eliminate anger altogether.  Anger is often a difficult sin to conquer but remember, with God, “all things are possible.”

5 Reasons You Need Premarital Counseling

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One of the most common myths I see in couples planning for marriage is the assumption that they possess an innate knowledge of how to be married.  Unfortunately, many of these couples soon learn that joining two individuals into “one flesh” is not as easy as it seems.  Premarital counseling has gained in popularity in recent years.  Many researchers have attributed this trend to couples marrying at an older age and also an increase in education.  Whatever the reason, premarital counseling just makes sense and can greatly help to get your marriage off to a wonderful start and help to prevent later problems.  Below are five areas that I think are critical to address before getting married.

 

1.  Communication and Conflict Resolution

It is commonly stated that 80% of marital problems relate to communication.  With that said, it makes sense that this topic gets considerable attention in premarital counseling.  How do you resolve conflict?  What do you do when you can’t seem to compromise?  How do you prevent defensiveness?  What do you do once someone gets defensive?  How do you speak your spouse’s love language?  How does your nonverbal communication influence your verbal communication?  All of these issues (and many more) need to be addressed as you seek to build a solid foundation for marriage.

2.  Sexuality

While couples are always eager to enjoy God’s gift of sexuality together, there are many issues that can make things fizzle instead of sizzle.  Expectations are always high on the honeymoon and if those expectations are not grounded in reality, frustration will ensue.  In particular, past sexual experiences by either partner can lead to a crowded bed.  Past sexual abuse or other trauma can often lead to problems down the road.  Another major issue today is the reality of the pornography problem.  I have addressed this at length in other posts, but pornography leads to unrealistic expectations.  In addition to preventing problems, I also think it is critical for the couple to come to a Biblical understanding of true sexuality.  To this end I strongly recommend Kevin Leman’s book “Sheet Music.”

3.  Finances

A disturbing trend that I find in marriage today is the tendency to keep finances separate rather than combined.  This leads to a “yours” and “mine” economy rather than “ours.”  I find this tendency to be deeply rooted in communication problems and a lack of trust.  If you feel this is necessary you need to seek counseling or read a good book on the subject such as Dave Ramsey’s “Total Money Makeover.”  Other issues include setting a family budget, learning to account for that budget, setting spending priorities, real estate decisions, and future expectations about who will work when kids enter the picture.

4.  Roles and Responsibilities

Everyone has expectations about roles and responsibilities that are often deeply rooted in their family of origin.  Who works outside of the home?  How do you divide household chores?  Who takes care of the lawn?  What were the roles of each person in their respective families of origin? You may think all of these details will just work themselves out in time, but starting the conversation before your wedding can prevent these areas from becoming sources of conflict.  Chances are good that you and your fiance have different expectations.

5.  Expectations

I hope by now you have seen the word “expectations” a few times in this article.  It’s important to remember that the distance between reality and expectation is disappointment.  Will you seek to have children?  How many? Where will you live? How much time will you spend with your families? While it is impossible to prevent all disappointment, the more realistic your expectations are then the less frustrated and disappointed you will be in your marriage.

There you have it, five reasons you need to seek premarital counseling.  Many states have even begun to see its importance.  In fact, where I live in Fort Myers, Florida, the county clerk of court will issue a discounted marriage license if you complete at least 4 hours of counseling with an approved professional.  While 4 is good, I suggest 6-8 sessions–your marriage is worth it!

Accepting Responsibility

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Post written by Ron Cook.

“It’s not my fault!”  How many times have you uttered those words today?  This week?  This month?  This year?  A few years ago I was reading a book and ran across the idea of “blame-shifting.”  Blame shifting is nothing more than seeking to blame someone else for our problems rather than accepting responsibility ourselves.  Blame shifting is a problem, a character problem and it’s been around a long, long time.  How long?  Think Adam and Eve.

“The man said, ‘The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.’   Then the Lord God said to the woman, ‘What is this that you have done?’ The woman said, ‘The serpent deceived me, and I ate.'” (Genesis 3:12-13 ESV).

You see, starting with the very first human being, Adam, people have attempted to shift blame.

Is blame shifting a problem today?  Have you watched the news lately?  I am constantly amazed at the inability of individuals and groups to take responsibility for their actions.  But I want to bring this issue closer to home.  I want to bring it into your personal life and into your marriage.  Why do you and I attempt to blame our spouses and others for our problems?  I think it goes back to an ancient system of belief that was dominant in the first century.  In the first century world (the world in which the New Testament was written) there was a commonly held belief that there was a limited amount of honor available in the world.  Therefore if I wanted to increase my honor, the only way I could do that would be to shame you and therefore “steal” your honor for myself.  This is commonly referred to today as “honor vs. shame.”  While the concept sounds ancient, think about your own life: do you ever tear someone else down so that you look better?  If you answer that question in the affirmative (and I believe most of us will if we are being honest) let me challenge you to get off the blame train and start looking for ways to accept responsibility.  While you might not have been the only contributor to the problems, take responsibility for what you did contribute.  Is the garbage overflowing because your spouse didn’t take it out?  Accept responsibility that you didn’t take it out either.  Are you late to work because of traffic?  Accept responsibility that you could have left earlier.  I find it to be a very rare occasion that one person in responsible for one hundred percent of a problem so stop focusing on what others have done and instead focus on what YOU have done and what YOU can change!

Building One Another Up

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Several years ago I read a research study on a child’s need for affirmation.  The study’s intent was to compare  the ratio of affirmation with the amount of criticism that a child receives from a parent as a predictor of “healthy” outcomes.  The results were mind boggling!  According to the study the average child needs affirmation at a ratio of 13:1!  That means that for every negative interaction a child has with a parent, they need thirteen encouraging encounters to maintain “balance.”  After I read that report I decided to go home and experiment.  That night as I was putting my son to bed I began to tell him everything that I appreciated about him, everything that I liked about him, and all the ways in which he was special.  And do you know what he said. . . nothing!  He didn’t have to say anything because his body language told the whole story.  He completely relaxed and then scooted over as close as he could get to me.  That night I became a believer in the power of affirmation and “building one another up.”

Don’t have kids?  That’s OK, this is still important.  The research study was repeated for adults and found that the average adult needs a ratio of eight affirmations for every one criticism.   How are you doing?  Do the people in your circle of influence receive eight times as much affirmation from you as they do criticism?  If you’re like most people, probably not.  But why?  Why do we focus so heavily on a person’s negative traits rather than their positives?  The answer is, sin.  As part of our sin nature we are naturally drawn to negativity.  Let me prove it.

I want you to imagine that I just finished putting together a 2,000 piece jigsaw puzzle that is a photograph of a beautiful mountain landscape.  I am so proud of my puzzle that I decide to have it framed and hang it on the wall in my office for everyone to admire.  You walk in and see my puzzle.  Oh, I forgot to mention that while I was putting the puzzle together my three young children lost a few of the pieces.  Even still, I am so proud of my puzzle that it is framed, on my wall, and you walk in and see it.  What is the first thing you see?  I have told this story and asked that question hundreds of times and the answer is always the same: “the missing pieces.”  You see, it is our nature to see that which we deem wrong, bad, or out of place.  However, we have to rise above our nature to see that which is right, good, and pleasing.

The Apostle Paul wrote, “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up.” (1 Thessalonians 5:11 ESV).  In this simple statement we find great power.  I already showed you how affirmation can affect children.  Now, what about your spouse?  Has your spouse ever said these words to you, “you don’t like anything about me!”  What would lead a spouse to this conclusion.  The answer is that the ratio of affirmation to criticism has become inverted.  Instead of receiving eight affirmations for every one criticism they are likely receiving eight criticisms for each affirmation and then they logically conclude that since all you ever tell them is what’s  wrong with them, “you must not like anything about me.”

Still not convinced that this is important?  I’ve had the opportunity to share this information with a number of physicians and small business owners and many of them have taken these principles and integrated them into their workplace.  Rather than talking with their employees only when problems arise, the employers went out of their way to encourage and affirm their employees for all of the things they were doing well.  Several of them came back and shared the results with me.  Some of the changes they noted were: employees seemed “happier” while at work, were more cordial to customers and patients, called in sick less frequently, and overall productivity increased.

Again, we hear the words of Paul,  “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up.”  Such a short, concise statement, yet one that is overflowing with potential.  The Greek word for “build up” is oikodoméō and it comes from the language of construction.  It literally means to build a house, tower, etc and coveys the image of stacking one brick on top of another.  That is what we must discipline ourselves to do, to become builders of people.  We cannot become builders in our own strength; we must rely upon God and we must discipline ourselves to apply His Word.  As you seek to apply this truth in your own life I suggest the following passages for study and memorization.

Ephesians 4:29–“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”

Ecclesiastes 10:12–“The words of a wise man’s mouth win him favor, but the lips of a fool consume him.”

Romans 14:19–“So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.”

Romans 15:1-6–“We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. For Christ did not please himself, but as it is written, “The reproaches of those who reproached you fell on me.” For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

Ron

Social Media, Pornography, & Parenting Part 3

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Post written by Ron Cook

PORNOGRAPHY

Is Pornography Really a Problem for Kids?

  • Consider these statistics:
    • The internet has surpassed TV as the media of choice for kids.
    • NBC recently reported that 50% of access to the internet is now on mobile devices.
    • 43% of the internet is pornographic.
    • 90% of 8-16 year olds have viewed pornography.
    • The average age of exposure to internet pornography is age 11.
    • The U.S. Department of Education reports that 27% of 4-6 year olds are on the internet and 35% of those will go to pornographic websites.
    • The adult film industry reports that 20-30% of its online traffic is from children.
    • 89% of youth admit to receiving sexual solicitation in chat rooms.[1]

How Should Parents Respond?

  • Take the initiative.
    • Communicate openly with your child or teen.
    • Studies have shown that teens who avoid sexual activity have a high level of connection with their parent(s).
    • Studies have also shown that parental relationships are more powerful than hormones.[1]
  • Gain knowledge.
    • “It is not good to have zeal without knowledge. Nor to be hasty and miss the way.” (Proverbs 19:2, NIV)
  • Model truth.
    • Many parents are appalled when they find that their teen has been accessing pornography on the internet yet fail to recognize their own contribution to the problem.
    • “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” (Philippians 4:8-9)
  • Teach in the context of relationship.
    • Realistically examine the relationship that you have with your child or teen. Many parents do not have an accurate understanding of the relationship they have with their kids. If you overestimate the closeness you have with them, they will view you as a hypocrite and will not listen to you.
  • No question is off limits.
    • If you child or teen perceives that you are unwilling to answer their questions, they WILL ASK SOMEONE ELSE! Wouldn’t you rather they get an answer from you—even if it makes you uncomfortable.
  • Start young.
    • Reread the statistics above. With the average age of exposure to pornography currently at age 11, and many 4-6 year olds also being exposed, you must start building a relationship of openness and honesty with your children at very young ages.
    • “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)

As human society continues to evolve, so do the challenges of “training up our children in the way they should go.” The internet and social media have ushered in a new era of educational and relational opportunities. These new tools, like most things, can be used to honor God or to sin against him. Parents now face the challenge of teaching their children to use these new tools in responsible and God-honoring ways. As you seek to guide your children and teenagers to use these tools, I encourage you read and apply God’s Word to every situation. The truth of the Bible is timeless. And remember, you DO NOT have to walk this road alone.


[1] Statistics taken from Josh McDowell presentation, “Just 1 Click Away,” at the 2011 American Association of Christian Counselors World Conference in Nashville, TN.

[2] Ibid.

Social Media, Pornography, & Parenting Part 2

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Post written by Ron Cook

CYBER AND VIDEO GAME ADDICTION

What is Cyber Addiction and Video Game Addiction?

  • Cyber addiction takes many forms:
    • Video Game Addiction
    • Cybersex Addiction—Includes pornography, adult chat rooms, etc.
    • Compulsive Behaviors
      • Online Gambling
      • Stock Trading
      • Online Shopping
      • “Checking” Behaviors—habitually checking social media sites, forums, blogs, or other websites for updates.
  • Computer Addiction—An all-inclusive addiction ranging from compulsively playing Solitaire to programming compulsions.
  • According to a nationwide survey, 8% of teens show signs of behavioral addiction to video games.[1]

What are the Warning Signs of Cyber and Video Game Addiction?

According to the center for On-Line Addiction, the warning signs for internet addiction are:

  • Staying online or gaming for increasing amounts of time.
  • Thinking about the internet or gaming during other activities.
  • Gaming or going online to escape from real-life problems, anxiety, or depression.
  • Lying to friends and family to conceal gaming or internet use.
  • Feeling irritable when trying to cut back on gaming or time online.
  • Repeated unsuccessful attempts to control or cut back gaming.[2]

How Should a Parent Respond?

  • If your child or teen is showing warning signs of addiction DO NOT dismiss it as “just a phase.” 
    • “Be very careful then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.  Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.”  (Ephesians 5:15-17, NIV)
    • Be aware of online games that involve chat and other social media features.  According to Dr. Kimberly Young, “the collaborative/competitive nature of working with or against other players can make it hard to take a break.”  These games have been dubbed “heroinware” by some players.[3]
    • Keep logs of how much time is spent online and the child or teens’ reaction to time limits.
    • Note problems in the teen’s life related to relationships, homework, chores, lying, or stealing. 
    • Gain knowledge regarding the common signs of addiction (i.e. seeking the feelings of euphoria, developing tolerance, withdrawal, relapse, deception, anger, and isolation).
    • Seek professional help.  Cyber addiction and video game addiction are serious problems and should be taken seriously.

[1] Clinton, Tim and Chap Clark, Counseling Teenagers.  (Grand Rapids: Baker, 2010).

[2] Young, Kimberly.  Netaddiction.com.  “Signs of Internet Addiction.”

[3] Ibid.  

Social Media, Pornography, & Parenting Part 1

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Post written by Ron Cook

SOCIAL MEDIA

How has the world of social media changed since the year 2000?

  • In 2000 the average American spent 2.7 hours per week online; in 2012 the average American spent 18 hours per week online.
  • In 2000 Facebook didn’t exist.  In 2010 there were 600 million people on Facebook.
  • In 2000 YouTube didn’t exist.  In 2010 there were 2 billion videos watched per day on YouTube.
  • In 2000 Twitter didn’t exist.  In 2010 there were 25 billion tweets on Twitter.
  • In 2000 iTunes didn’t exist.  In 2010 there were 10 billion downloads from iTunes.
  • In 2000 Wikipedia didn’t exist.  In 2010 there were 19 million articles on Wikipedia.[1]

What are the benefits of children and teens using social media?

Socialization and Communication

According to a recent report from the American Academy of Pediatrics, “Social media sites allow teens to accomplish online many of the tasks that are important to them offline: staying connected with friends and family, making new friends, sharing pictures, and exchanging ideas. Social media participation also can offer adolescents deeper benefits that extend into their view of self, community, and the world.”[2]

Enhanced Learning Opportunities

Middle and high school students are increasingly using social media to connect with one another to complete homework assignments and other group projects.  Sites such as Facebook provide a gathering place for students to collaborate their studies.  In addition, some schools have successfully used blogs as teaching tools to develop skills in English, writing, and creativity.[3]

What are the risks?

Cyberbullying and Online Harassment

Cyberbullying is defined as, “deliberately using digital media to communicate false, embarrassing, or hostile information about another person.”[4] This is the most common form of online harassment.

Sexting

Sexting is defined as “sending, receiving, or forwarding sexually explicit messages, photographs, or images via cell phone, computer, or other digital devices.”[5]

Facebook Depression

While still not fully understood, the American Academy of Pediatrics has noted a new form of depression that occurs when preteens and teens spend a great deal of time on social media sites, such as Facebook or MySpace, and then begin to exhibit classic symptoms of depression. According to researchers, “acceptance by and contact with peers is an important element of adolescent life. The intensity of the online world is thought to be a factor that may trigger depression in some adolescents. As with offline depression, preadolescents and adolescents who suffer from Facebook depression are at risk for social isolation and sometimes turn to risky Internet sites and blogs for “help” that may promote substance abuse, unsafe sexual practices, or aggressive or self-destructive behaviors.”[6]

How Should a Parent Respond?

  • Monitor your own use of social media.  Kids and teens often model their parents’ behavior.  Set an example for your children of responsible use of social media (and all forms of media for that matter).  Consider the words of the Apostle Paul, “Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial” (1 Corinthians 10:23)
  • Talk to your children about meaningful offline relationships.  Social media has created a vehicle for teens to sidestep the critical life task of forming attachment bonds with others.  Teens that suffer from low self-esteem or have experienced rejection may find online relationships less intimidating and therefore will prioritize those relationships over meaningful offline relationships.
  • Make pleasing God the goal.  1 John 2:15-17 applies to any overindulgence in worldly pursuits:  “Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever” (ESV).
  • Seek professional help.  Addiction to social media can often be an indicator of deeper emotional and spiritual issues.  When this is the case, talking with someone who can ask the right questions is often the most effective solution.

[1] Statistics taken from Josh McDowell presentation, “Just 1 Click Away,” at the 2011 American Association of Christian Counselors World Conference in Nashville, TN.

[2] O’Keefe, Gwenn MD, and Kathleen Clarke-Pearson MD, From the American Academy of Pediatrics Clinical Report, The Impact of Social Media on Children, Adolescents, and Families.  (Published online March 28, 2011).

[3] Ibid.

[4] Ibid.

[5] Ibid.

[6] Ibid.

Drawing From the Well Daily

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Guess what. . . life is full of problems!  I know that may come as a shock to you but it bears repeating. . .life is FULL of problems!  Everyone who has ever lived has had problems of some sort; health problems, relationship problems, legal problems, financial problems, spiritual problems, etc.  The question is not “will we have trouble in this life,” but “how much trouble will I have TODAY?”  You see the Bible tells us that we will have trouble and that EACH DAY will have trouble:

“I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world.”  (John 16:33 HCSB)

“Each day has enough trouble  of its own.”  (Matthew 6:33b HCSB)

Now I want you to imagine yourself living in a sweltering desert, dependent on a well for life-sustaining water.  Each morning you go and draw fresh, cool water from the well.  As the day wears on the water becomes warm and begins to lose its effectiveness as a thirst quencher.  Do you drink the warm water or do you return to the well to again draw fresh, cool water?  I don’t know about you but I prefer the cool water!  However, cool water comes at a price–frequent trips to the well.

How does this relate to life’s problems?  Lamentations 3:22-23 says, “The faithful love of the LORD never ends!  His mercies never cease.  Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.”  As we face life’s problems we must make frequent trips to the well of God’s mercy.  We must drink from the water of life and plead with Him to grant us the grace we need for today.  Drawing from the well daily is a help for us in both preparing us to face adversity and for comforting us in the midst of it.  Unfortunately, many people only run to God when problems arise and thereby miss many of His blessings.

I know what you’re thinking; “but I don’t have TIME to make frequent trips to the well.”  I think Martin Luther addressed that notion correctly when he said, “I have so much to do today that I should spend the first three hours in prayer.”  So I ask you, “really?  You really don’t have time for God.  You don’t have time for the creator of the universe?  You don’t have time for the one who ‘knit you together in your mother’s womb?'”  He is the creator, we are the creature.  Who are we to tell God how our time should be spent and who are we to say that He is unworthy of our time!

So what do we do?  If you find yourself responding that you don’t have time, first perhaps you should consider who gave you that time in the first place.  Second, repent.  Repent of your selfish heart.  Repent of treating God as though He is the least important thing in your life.  Third, take stock of your priorities.  The writer of Ecclesiastes, after declaring “everything meaningless” closed the book with these words, “When all has been heard, the conclusion of the matter is: fear God and keep His commands, because this is for all humanity.”  (Ecclesiastes 12:13 HCSB).

Don’t ask why; Don’t think about; Just GO!  Go to the well and enjoy the cool, refreshing water of God’s mercy.

Ron

Honey… we need to talk!

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Honey, we need to talk.  Those may be the most dreadful words a man ever hears from his wife.  When couples seek counseling they usually have plenty to talk about.  However, counselors are trained to look beyond those things that people complain about to try and identify the underlying problem.  There is good reason to assume that no matter what the presenting problem may be, communication is at the root.  Couples who learn to communicate well will have an easier time handling complicated issues, less frequent “explosions,” and a more satisfying relationship.

Below is a list of “ground rules” for marital communication.  Following these simple guidelines will give you an immediate boost in the effectiveness of your marital communication.  I invite you to look through the list and think honestly about which ones you may need to address.  If something doesn’t make sense feel free to post a question in the comments.

  1. Eliminate the use of the words never and always.   This leads to black and white thinking, defensiveness, and your spouse will usually be able to find an exception.  
  2. Stop blaming and shaming.  When did blame shifting begin?  It really began in the Garden of Eden with Adam when he said, “that woman made me do it.”  Sound familiar?  Often we pour our energy into finding ways to blame our spouse rather than simply taking responsibility for our own actions.  
  3. Don’t name call or label.  Name calling is demeaning and in no way adds value to your spouse; therefore it is to be avoided.  Labeling is equally as dangerous but less obvious.  Have you ever referred to your spouse as lazy?  Dull?  Moody?  If you have then you labeled them.  This label can act as a filter through which you interpret all of your spouse’s words and actions.  Eliminate the labels.  
  4. Learn to use “I feel” statements rather than “you” statements.  This certainly deserves a separate post.  When you speak to your spouse and the first word out of your mouth is “you” then you have already activated your spouse’s defenses.  They will not receive what you are going to say because they are preparing to defend themselves.  However, if you begin your conversation with the words, “I feel ____” then you let them know you are communicating rather than attacking.  
  5. Learn the difference between being hurt, frustrated, or annoyed rather than angry.  Has anything good ever happened to you because you were angry?  For most people the answer is “no.”  Again, this has to do with defensiveness.  If you approach your spouse angrily then their defenses immediately go up.  However, if you can let them know that you feel hurt, irritated, or rejected then you leave the door open for further communication.  
  6. Don’t withdraw or isolate but do take a time out if you become so angry that you lose control.  This sounds like a contradiction.  It’s not.  John Gottman identified stonewalling (withdrawing) as one of the “four horsemen” of marital communication.  Sometimes we withdraw physically by leaving the room.  Other times we withdraw mentally and our spouse will watch as our eyes glaze over and we mentally transport ourselves to another place.  Both are equally destructive.  However, a time-out is different than withdrawing or stonewalling in at least three ways.  First, it is time limited.  You say to your spouse, “I’m losing control of my emotions so I’m going outside for 10 minutes and then I will come back and we will finish this conversation.  Second, your spouse knows that you are coming back.  Third, they will understand that you desire to finish the conversation once you are in a better frame of mind.  
  7. Learn to listen.  In order to listen effectively you must first clear your mind of all other distractions including what you intend to say in response to the other person. 
  8. Don’t demand things from your spouse; rather ask them.  Demands activate defensiveness (are you noticing a trend here) whereas requests do not.  Say, “would you mind taking out the garbage?” instead of “take out the garbage.”  Simple, but effective.  
  9. Learn to be affirming.  This too is worthy of a separate post.  Affirmation is hard.  We tend to focus on the things that bother us and therefore those things become the subject of our conversation.  Ideally you should offer eight affirmations to your spouse for every one criticism or complaint.  Want to do something that can immediately transform your marriage?  Starting today, make it your personal goal to say at least five affirming things to your spouse every day.  Try it, you’ll be amazed. 
  10. Don’t ever use the “D” word.  Don’t do it!  Don’t even think it!  Then it won’t be an option.  
  11. Don’t ever tell your spouse, “you broke a rule!”  Please don’t use this list or any other marital advice as a weapon against your spouse.  If you can’t follow this rule I have openings on Tuesday!

There you have it; Eleven ways that you can begin to transform your marital communication.  How about you?  What ideas have you found to be helpful in your own marriage?  

Get Real!

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It seems that in due time all things will move to the internet. In 2012 you can play games online, watch TV online, listen to the radio online, read books online, chat online, video conference online, do your taxes online, go grocery shopping online, and even go to church online. As the internet continues to evolve people are also seeking counseling online. You can find a counselor online, chat with a counselor online, or simply e-mail back and forth with a counselor. However, sometimes you just want real, simple, straightforward answers. That’s what this site is about–real answers rooted in the truth of God’s Word.

As a counselor, my clients know that I don’t beat around the bush. Nor do I believe in making the counseling process last as long as possible simply to generate income. Rather, we have an agreement that sin will be confronted head on and any other issues will be addressed as thoroughly and as directly as possible. My plan for this blog is to write about many topics that real people would find useful including marriage, parenting, grief, anger, depression, financial management, addictions, and many more. However, I also invite you to send me your questions. I cannot promise that I will be able to answer them all but yours may be selected as my next blog post.

The Bible teaches that we are to encourage one another and I pray that this site will be an encouragement and a source of hope to you as you seek to carry out God’s plan for your life. May we fulfill Hebrews 10:23-25 which says, “Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful; and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.”

God Bless,

Ron Cook, LMHC

Executive Director